The last few night since I have come back from Japan have been hard because I have been waking up at like 1:30 in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep for several hours. So last night I just sat there in bed thinking about all sorts of stuff. Those nights are the roughest for me, because I am a thinker and its very hard for me to turn my brain off. I lay there just rambling in my head for hours and struggling to figure out whats going on and why I can't sleep. I few weeks ago I had an amazing oppertunity to catch up with a friend that I love and care about deeply! He and I hung out on a Sunday evening and ended up at a local spot talking over a couple of pints. I love these types of experiences where there is no b.s. and substance of conversation just flows like a great waterfall. That probably doesn't make sense for most people but for me there is no greater joy than being able to exist in community and live out of honesty with brothers. I left that meeting with a lot on my heart and spirit and was greatly encouraged and after last night's sleepless night, I find myself asking my Father to give me a vision for what it would look like if I saw other people as He saw them. What would it look like for me love other people like He loves and for me to love my kids and wife the way He does. I thought about that a lot last night as I lay awake in my bed. Anyways, I am sorry for the lack of continuity this post provides because even now my thoughts are scrambled and it is difficult to really pin myself down.
3.21.2008
3.12.2008
Houston Rodeo
I still haven't been able to edit these very much because my labtop is too slow but here are some pics from the Houston Rodeo the other night.
3.07.2008
Isaac Watts
The Wonderful Cross
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride
See from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless Your name
Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all
This is probably my favorite hymn of all time. There is something just so gripping and moving about it ,and when you learn the story of Isaac Watts it somehow validates all of our fears and draws us into reverence.
Beautiful.
Powered by ScribeFire.
3.06.2008
What would it be like?
I continue to be impacted by just how isolated of a world we live in and how much hurt there is around me! It seems like over the past several months I am awakening more and more to those around me that are in obvious pain but desperately hide it with the hopes that they won't be found out! I know this because the person that stares back at me in the mirror most days battles that same thing! Its disgusting! You know the most amazing thing is also happening in my life and that has been that over the past two years through some amazing men, I have realized that I am not alone! In fact we're all not alone! Do you really understand how much freedom there is in that? I mean I can now walk in the light knowing that I am loved and that the Cross covers me with enough grace to make it through the day and that goes for everyone one of my brothers and sisters as well! I no longer have to be afraid of my dark heart or afraid that I will be found out because I know the truth! So I am just wondering what it would be like if we really did live in a world where our dark hearts and the deep deep chasm of that heart were exposed for all to see. What pretenses would exist then? Would we really be able to live in the light then and love one another as we are called to do? I am just thinking how amazing and freeing it could be for men out there to relate to one another knowing that each other really is struggling with the same things and there is no condemnation for it anymore! Maybe this doesn't make sense to some people but it does to me. I hurt for those still in hiding, I hurt for those who are deceived and alone, I hurt for those who don't realize that I'm right there with them and no better or worse, but in fact freedom is there for both of us! Hallelujah! Praise God! Amen! Christ is risen and it is for no other reason than He shed his blood so we can live in the light an no longer in fear of condemnation. I am a restored son of the sovereign Lord, we are restored sons and daughters of the sovereign Lord, and we all can resist the dangers of isolation and live in community! What a picture that would be. I am just wondering what it would be like!
Powered by ScribeFire.
3.03.2008
Stuck!
What a great topic! Is there any better way to describe what I've felt inside for most of my life? I'm not sure. But I will speak honestly about this, right now I am most definitely stuck! I went to church for the first time in a long time this past Sunday and was really grateful for healthy kids because the service was amazing. The sermon was about surveying the Cross and understanding the need for the Cross. You know basically that thing called the Gospel! It was so refreshing to not hear 3 steps to a better marriage but in fact to hear what I need to hear daily, why I need Christ! One of the things that hit most closely to home for me was that I am here, on this planet, taking up the space I do, breathing the air I breathe, for no other reason than to worship and serve my Saviour! What a good reminder! And to be honest that has always come easy for me because I have always, going back to my earliest childhood memories, thought that I wanted to do nothing but be used by God. I never had any desire to be a doctor or lawyer or fireman like most children dream about. Instead I would dream about making a difference for Christ and changing and impacting my world in some great fashion! So there in part lies being stuck, cause how do I do that? What does that look like? What does it involve? I have never heard a sermon teach me that, or give me the keys to a business that would produce that! Nevertheless, I am trying to remain faithful. I am trying to remind myself that on this journey of mine, I am not making a path but simply following one that has already been carved out for me. I just wish I could see a little farther down the road! Thanks, I'm Josh.
2.27.2008
2.20.2008
Still on Vacation
Sorry for my absence from the most crucial blog on the net (only kidding of course) but I'm still on vacation. So many things are going on in my life and I just don't have the energy or desire right now. I will be returning shortly though!
12.05.2007
Finally!!!
So finally after some very long frustrating years of dedicated loyalty to the evil empire formally known as Sprint, I became aware that my contract will be up as of January 25, 2008! That just so happens to be my daughter Molly's birthday! So not only will my family celebrate the glorious birth of my daughter but also the wonderful event of my transfer and activation of my iPhone! Yes, thats correct! I am kicking Sprint to the curb and jumping on the best cellular phone band wagon there has ever been! Of course, it is really sad that this miraculous date comes after my return from Japan, of which I could desperately make use of my new iPhone, but I am trying to keep the faith and remain strong! I can do it, I am telling myself! Only 51 days remaining. Who will count down the days with me?
12.04.2007
Its Potty Time!!
I can't believe it! My prayer has finally been answered! My daughter Molly has been struggling for months now to go stinky in the potty. She has been very good at going #1 but finally after numerous accidents and frustrating moments, she, on her own accord went to the potty and went #2! !!! Hooray!!!!
Powered by ScribeFire.
Speed of my life.
I haven't written anything of consequence in quite some time and
I'm not quite sure why that it is exactly but one thing I do know is it is
not because of lack of consequential things going on in my life.
I love music. I have a passion for music that is unmatched and
unrivaled in every single person I know, and thats what has been part
of the difficulty of my journey so far. I live in a town where lots of
people say they love music, but in fact they really don't, they mostly
love making money off of music or the commercial success that music can
bring. A lot can happen to a person when their name gets plastered on
every magazine cover and newspaper ad across the country. Reality,
which used to seem true and real suddenly isn't so true and isn't so
real anymore! It's funny cause I've spent the last 15 years of my
life, whether I knew it or not, studying all of this that is going on
around me, and my reality, or sometimes the lack there of have struck
me with an intense pain of passion that I have yet to find a match in
anyone I have ever encountered!
None of this is probably making any sense to some of you who do not
really know me but I'll try to get to the point here soon. I grew up
in a what many people would consider a great home. I have a loving
mother who protected me and cared for me and raised me to the best of
her ability, and a step father who came into the picture and really
provided me with the best education I have ever received from anywhere
and anyone! I don't have a relationship with my father and I most
likely never will. From my earliest memories that I have, I remember
loving music! I remember making tapes off of the radio and remember
trying to learn how to play the songs I love so much. My mom made sure
that I grew up in church and was always there anytime the doors were
open. I have various opinions about that, but one thing happened to me
the first time I heard music that wasn't allowed in my house or
church. Something struck a chord inside of me that resinated and
reverberated and hasn't stopped to this day! I heard something in that
music that seemed real and authentic and pure and full of passion and
compared to everything else I was listening to was just better. That
record was Tom Petty's Full Moon Fever and the song was Free Fallin'.
I was still pretty young at the time but I vividly remember everything
about that song and especially the video that dominated MTV, (which I
really wasn't allowed to watch but would spend hours during the day
while my mom was at work soaking it up). It wasn't until later when
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers came out with the "Wildflowers" record
that I understood what I was really listening to. I remember sneaking
around to buy that tape, and having my mom later get rid of it. I'm
writing about all of this because a documentary has just been released
called "Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: Runnin' down a dream" by Peter
Bogdonovich. I had the chance to watch part of it the other day and it
is the best rockumentary that I have ever seen. It was really an
amazing experience watching because all of these memories were flooding
my brain about my childhood and connecting so many dots that I haven't
thought about before. I was almost in tears at several points as I was
listening and watching and realizing why I knew that this music was so
completely different than the stuff I was forced fed. Its funny though
now to think back and realize all this because it helps me understand
why I am so different and why things just don't fit in my life the way
the "normal" world tries to make things fit for everyone else. I was
telling my wife about all of this and telling her that I connect so
well to the Heartbreaker's music because it has seemed that throughout
their journey of producing great music, that same music has sort of
matched the speed of my life and painted some of the same pictures of
my struggle to be who I am made to be. The documentary ends with some
live footage of the song "Learning to Fly" and the chorus if you don't
already know has the line "I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings,
Comin down is the hardest thing." Is there a greater anthem for life
than this? I certainly haven't experienced one!
I don't want to give off the impression that there is no other good
form of authentic music, but merely am just recalling some of my memories and emotions that surround me. There is so much here that I could go on for hours, but that stuff would probably be best left for another time. Long live rock and roll!
I'm not quite sure why that it is exactly but one thing I do know is it is
not because of lack of consequential things going on in my life.
I love music. I have a passion for music that is unmatched and
unrivaled in every single person I know, and thats what has been part
of the difficulty of my journey so far. I live in a town where lots of
people say they love music, but in fact they really don't, they mostly
love making money off of music or the commercial success that music can
bring. A lot can happen to a person when their name gets plastered on
every magazine cover and newspaper ad across the country. Reality,
which used to seem true and real suddenly isn't so true and isn't so
real anymore! It's funny cause I've spent the last 15 years of my
life, whether I knew it or not, studying all of this that is going on
around me, and my reality, or sometimes the lack there of have struck
me with an intense pain of passion that I have yet to find a match in
anyone I have ever encountered!
None of this is probably making any sense to some of you who do not
really know me but I'll try to get to the point here soon. I grew up
in a what many people would consider a great home. I have a loving
mother who protected me and cared for me and raised me to the best of
her ability, and a step father who came into the picture and really
provided me with the best education I have ever received from anywhere
and anyone! I don't have a relationship with my father and I most
likely never will. From my earliest memories that I have, I remember
loving music! I remember making tapes off of the radio and remember
trying to learn how to play the songs I love so much. My mom made sure
that I grew up in church and was always there anytime the doors were
open. I have various opinions about that, but one thing happened to me
the first time I heard music that wasn't allowed in my house or
church. Something struck a chord inside of me that resinated and
reverberated and hasn't stopped to this day! I heard something in that
music that seemed real and authentic and pure and full of passion and
compared to everything else I was listening to was just better. That
record was Tom Petty's Full Moon Fever and the song was Free Fallin'.
I was still pretty young at the time but I vividly remember everything
about that song and especially the video that dominated MTV, (which I
really wasn't allowed to watch but would spend hours during the day
while my mom was at work soaking it up). It wasn't until later when
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers came out with the "Wildflowers" record
that I understood what I was really listening to. I remember sneaking
around to buy that tape, and having my mom later get rid of it. I'm
writing about all of this because a documentary has just been released
called "Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: Runnin' down a dream" by Peter
Bogdonovich. I had the chance to watch part of it the other day and it
is the best rockumentary that I have ever seen. It was really an
amazing experience watching because all of these memories were flooding
my brain about my childhood and connecting so many dots that I haven't
thought about before. I was almost in tears at several points as I was
listening and watching and realizing why I knew that this music was so
completely different than the stuff I was forced fed. Its funny though
now to think back and realize all this because it helps me understand
why I am so different and why things just don't fit in my life the way
the "normal" world tries to make things fit for everyone else. I was
telling my wife about all of this and telling her that I connect so
well to the Heartbreaker's music because it has seemed that throughout
their journey of producing great music, that same music has sort of
matched the speed of my life and painted some of the same pictures of
my struggle to be who I am made to be. The documentary ends with some
live footage of the song "Learning to Fly" and the chorus if you don't
already know has the line "I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings,
Comin down is the hardest thing." Is there a greater anthem for life
than this? I certainly haven't experienced one!
I don't want to give off the impression that there is no other good
form of authentic music, but merely am just recalling some of my memories and emotions that surround me. There is so much here that I could go on for hours, but that stuff would probably be best left for another time. Long live rock and roll!
Powered by ScribeFire.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.jpg)
