Truth vs. Opinion

Proverbs 18:2 "A fool does not find joy in understanding but only in expressing his own opinion." This verse was the topic of a small group that i attend on Sunday mornings. I found it to be extremely thought provoking and disheartening. We discussed the issue of whether or not we live and speak out of the truth of the gospel or do we live and speak solely out of our opinions. I think if i were to be completely honest, which is my goal with this blog, i live and speak often out of the overabundance of my opinions and not out of the saturation of the truth of the gospel. This discussion made me think about all the wrestling i do with my faith and all the wisdom i seek from others and whether or not i am receiving opinions or am i receiving truth. Its quite a perplexing thought. I firmly believe that God speaks through others that speak into my life, but how does that fit in with the idea that this proverb brings into light? I also believe that Christ is constantly shaping and molding my heart. So what do i do with my opinions in that context? If someone asks me what my opinion is about abortion and i answer them honestly based upon the truth of the Gospel, does that make me a foolish man or wise man? Where is the balance and what happens that makes that issue truth versus opinion? I also think that if i were to take this issue to far it could very well lead me to become arrogant in thinking that what my brother says to me is his opinion and therefore i can dismiss it. That seems just as foolish. I by no means feel like i completely understand this verse nor how to apply it in my life, but rather would invite some other opinions about it, no pun intended.

Sonship/The Prodigal Son

The last few days i have been thinking about why the story of the prodigal son bothers me so much. Maybe bother is not the best word to use but more like affects me is what i truly mean. I was working a show the other day where an artist was performing one of his songs that has been cut lately about a soldier who joined the army and was coming home after the war. It really put in me a place thinking about how my Heavenly Father views me and thinks of me coming back to him after i take a momentary respite away from the good things he has provided me. I have battled and processed this issue in my life for quite a few years now and don't think i am any closer to the other side. I never had a strong father figure in life, although my step father did the best i believe he knew how. Still to this day i have no contact with my biological father and now that i have two children of my own, i have no idea what would produce in a man the desire to never contact his kids ever again. So you can only imagine that the fatherly imagery in the scriptures do not connect with me very well. All the images and impressions of fathers i have are fairly poor. In spite of all of that, i know in my heart that i have one true perfect father who is everything my heart longs for and more. The only problem i have is that i rarely connect that with my feelings and emotions on a day to day basis. The majority of the time i see other people out there with more success and with things seemingly falling in their lap and notice that they had healthier family environments with fathers who were present and didn't abandon them. I can't help but be bothered by that. I've always heard that the grass seems greener on the other side and i know its easy to look at someone else and think they have it better than you, but isn't there also some societal truth to the issue of growing up with a father ever present in one's life teaching and instructing and loving? Nevertheless my passion to redirect my family's history of abandonment burns with an inextinguishable fire. That being said, often i find myself lonely wondering if i had a present father in my life would i have turned out differently? Would i have rebelled as much, would i have be struggling so much, would i be more responsible? These questions ping through my head with no result other than keeping me up late at night. I love my family more than anything but still somehow i feel handicapped in this race. The birth of my son has brought a lot of emotions and thoughts of redemption into my life, and i just pray that i can overcome my fears and weaknesses to father him as best i know how. I pray that my focus could shift from being the son in the story to being the father and learning to love unconditionally!

Lies...

A good friend of mine, Mark, mentioned to me tonight that i have been lied to. It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of the sudden a well spring of emotions came forth and i couldn't control the tears that wanted to flow. Ever since i was a kid i can remember believing with my whole heart that i was special. Not just the kind of special like you look at a cute kid in sunday school and say, "ahhh, how cute is he, that boy is special," but the kind of special like i am on this planet for a very specific and unique reason. A purpose as crucial as the Beatles were to music and Bill Clinton was to the integrity of the presidency, but in a healthy beneficial kind of way. I never had a desire to be a fireman or police officer or doctor for that matter and you could ask me all you want what i wanted to be and i would respond by saying that God had a purpose for me and whatever that was, thats what i wanted. 15 years, 2 kids, and quite a few jobs later i've long since lost touch with purpose. That kid seems so completely lost now. So far gone are the days where i feel special, unique and put on earth for something other than the mundane purpose of paying my rent and electric bills every month. Hence when Mark mentioned that i had been lied to, i was impacted so greatly. Part of me relives those thoughts and emotions and wants to grab a hold of those same passions and gallop onto the scene to conquer some imaginary battle of success, but then creeps in a part that says i can't because it wouldn't matter. There in lies my problem, one of many actually, but the one for which produces this blog. I can't describe this feeling any better or with any more clarity than to just say that there is a deep burning passion in me to make a difference, to call out authenticity and genuine life in others who are drowning in mediocrity. I grew up not knowing what that meant but knew that there was something that i was missing. Something deep inside me was hurt by those who called themselves my friends, but who were never honest with me and for whom i could never truly be honest with. I just buried my pain and hid my emotions and allowed them come out in other destructive and rebellious ways. So now i am left with the realities that scream at me to provide for and protect my family at all costs. Those costs i suppose are my passions and secret desires. Although i love what i do and love the profession that i am in, i still long for more. I still find myself late at night lying in bed dreaming about impacting people whether it be on a stage behind a guitar or in a room filled with high schoolers or college kids, struggling to figure out who it is staring back at them in the mirror. I feel like my journey and my story has power and holds truths that had i known or been taught when i was younger, i could have avoided so much pain and injury to myself and others. That feeling eats at me on some occasions, and others it just says," well that would be nice wouldn't it." This lie brings out a battle of faith and a battle of trust that God really does love me and really does have a plan for me, but the chasm of what i know to be true and what i FEEL is so wide. I don't know where that leaves me or where i go from here, but i do feel like i am at some sort of fork in the road. If this is one lie i have suffered through it makes me wonder how many more lies and how much more of this life Christ died for me to live has been taken away...