Lies...

A good friend of mine, Mark, mentioned to me tonight that i have been lied to. It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of the sudden a well spring of emotions came forth and i couldn't control the tears that wanted to flow. Ever since i was a kid i can remember believing with my whole heart that i was special. Not just the kind of special like you look at a cute kid in sunday school and say, "ahhh, how cute is he, that boy is special," but the kind of special like i am on this planet for a very specific and unique reason. A purpose as crucial as the Beatles were to music and Bill Clinton was to the integrity of the presidency, but in a healthy beneficial kind of way. I never had a desire to be a fireman or police officer or doctor for that matter and you could ask me all you want what i wanted to be and i would respond by saying that God had a purpose for me and whatever that was, thats what i wanted. 15 years, 2 kids, and quite a few jobs later i've long since lost touch with purpose. That kid seems so completely lost now. So far gone are the days where i feel special, unique and put on earth for something other than the mundane purpose of paying my rent and electric bills every month. Hence when Mark mentioned that i had been lied to, i was impacted so greatly. Part of me relives those thoughts and emotions and wants to grab a hold of those same passions and gallop onto the scene to conquer some imaginary battle of success, but then creeps in a part that says i can't because it wouldn't matter. There in lies my problem, one of many actually, but the one for which produces this blog. I can't describe this feeling any better or with any more clarity than to just say that there is a deep burning passion in me to make a difference, to call out authenticity and genuine life in others who are drowning in mediocrity. I grew up not knowing what that meant but knew that there was something that i was missing. Something deep inside me was hurt by those who called themselves my friends, but who were never honest with me and for whom i could never truly be honest with. I just buried my pain and hid my emotions and allowed them come out in other destructive and rebellious ways. So now i am left with the realities that scream at me to provide for and protect my family at all costs. Those costs i suppose are my passions and secret desires. Although i love what i do and love the profession that i am in, i still long for more. I still find myself late at night lying in bed dreaming about impacting people whether it be on a stage behind a guitar or in a room filled with high schoolers or college kids, struggling to figure out who it is staring back at them in the mirror. I feel like my journey and my story has power and holds truths that had i known or been taught when i was younger, i could have avoided so much pain and injury to myself and others. That feeling eats at me on some occasions, and others it just says," well that would be nice wouldn't it." This lie brings out a battle of faith and a battle of trust that God really does love me and really does have a plan for me, but the chasm of what i know to be true and what i FEEL is so wide. I don't know where that leaves me or where i go from here, but i do feel like i am at some sort of fork in the road. If this is one lie i have suffered through it makes me wonder how many more lies and how much more of this life Christ died for me to live has been taken away...