Sonship/The Prodigal Son

The last few days i have been thinking about why the story of the prodigal son bothers me so much. Maybe bother is not the best word to use but more like affects me is what i truly mean. I was working a show the other day where an artist was performing one of his songs that has been cut lately about a soldier who joined the army and was coming home after the war. It really put in me a place thinking about how my Heavenly Father views me and thinks of me coming back to him after i take a momentary respite away from the good things he has provided me. I have battled and processed this issue in my life for quite a few years now and don't think i am any closer to the other side. I never had a strong father figure in life, although my step father did the best i believe he knew how. Still to this day i have no contact with my biological father and now that i have two children of my own, i have no idea what would produce in a man the desire to never contact his kids ever again. So you can only imagine that the fatherly imagery in the scriptures do not connect with me very well. All the images and impressions of fathers i have are fairly poor. In spite of all of that, i know in my heart that i have one true perfect father who is everything my heart longs for and more. The only problem i have is that i rarely connect that with my feelings and emotions on a day to day basis. The majority of the time i see other people out there with more success and with things seemingly falling in their lap and notice that they had healthier family environments with fathers who were present and didn't abandon them. I can't help but be bothered by that. I've always heard that the grass seems greener on the other side and i know its easy to look at someone else and think they have it better than you, but isn't there also some societal truth to the issue of growing up with a father ever present in one's life teaching and instructing and loving? Nevertheless my passion to redirect my family's history of abandonment burns with an inextinguishable fire. That being said, often i find myself lonely wondering if i had a present father in my life would i have turned out differently? Would i have rebelled as much, would i have be struggling so much, would i be more responsible? These questions ping through my head with no result other than keeping me up late at night. I love my family more than anything but still somehow i feel handicapped in this race. The birth of my son has brought a lot of emotions and thoughts of redemption into my life, and i just pray that i can overcome my fears and weaknesses to father him as best i know how. I pray that my focus could shift from being the son in the story to being the father and learning to love unconditionally!