Take My Life...

I am listening to this song at the moment and it has become my prayer!

Here am I
All of Me!
Take My Life
Its all for Thee...

Although I haven't posted anything on here in a long time, mainly due to the fact that no one reads it anyway and I don't much see a point to it any longer, I received a comment from some person I don't know telling me that I am a good writer. Those few words made my heart smile so much! Amazing how that happens. I am understanding more and more the power of my words and the gravity they posses. How incredible it is that such few and inoculate words can carry so much weight and so much power. I suppose I started this blog in the beginning in part to develop my writing and develop the processing of my thoughts better and help myself really connect more with who I am becoming and where my heart is in my journey.

Funny how hard that is at times.

I am not satisfied right now. There is a lot of work there in that statement for me and I'm sure to anybody if anybody ever reads this that would make no sense what-so-ever but nevertheless I long to taste the satisfaction of life that comes from being in the right place and doing the things that I am created to do and be. I guess as I write that it sounds like I am asking for Peace. Peace that I am in the right place and that place is right where I am supposed to be in this moment. Peace that at some point God will bring these visions that are bigger than me into the light and make a way for them to no longer be mere visions but a very real and powerful reality.

Thats my heart right now. And why I sing Take my life, All of Me, Its all for Thee...

vitamin water

I love vitamin water! I have come to realize though that it might not be the best option for me to drink for many reasons, one of which its more expensive than water. Nevertheless, I enjoy it! Essential is the name of the flavor to which I am drinking right now and one I often choose. If you haven't had any flavor of vitamin water then you should definitely try some soon!

In Jamaica

Ok so I have put off thoughts of writing for a while now so here is where I am right now. I love my family! My heart hurts to see their pictures cause I miss them so much. I am enjoying the technology of web chats and just am in a bit of a shock at the realizations of how selfish I am. I read a great book a long time ago that really sticks out to me right now. It was called The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason. I take so much of my family for granted so much of the time. I am really broken right now. I feel like I have been gaining a lot of weight because I have been eating so much and I am just really struggling with some self image issues. Above all, it is wierd cause I am in a beautiful place like Jamaica and wishing my wife was with me right now. I should have made it a priority for that to happen. I am truly blessed. My family are the jewels of my life and I covet their closeness! Thats all I really have right now.

Thankful.

I was sitting in church this morning and was just extremely thankful that I attend a church that is so terribly flawed. I found myself at first getting frustrated at the flaws I was encountering but then when my pastor came up and began teaching I was enraptured by the Grace and truth of the Gospel that I was a party too. I think most of what I began to think as a response to what I was feeling was how I am exactly like the church that I attend. I too am desperately flawed and need God's grace. Then I just began to fall in love with the fact that I go to a church that is so desperately flawed but at the same time continues to teach the Gospel and offer truth to everyone who walks through the doors. I am thankful!

Are you brave?

I connected something last night that I have been thinking about and wanted to share. I am a member of the Samson Society, and while to many that means nothing, to others it means that we collectively can bypass the insane b.s. that exists around us and cut straight to the heart of living authentically and honestly. There is a safety in relationship that is rarely found outside the Samson Society, but inside, we know that we are truly loved and accepted, and therefore have the freedom to live in true community with one another. My point is that once you've been exposed to that safety, and authentic relationship you're spoiled because it does not exist naturally and with out intent anywhere else. I came to understand last night that the church talks and shares with one another out of what we've been deceived into thinking we've been delivered from, but my Samson brothers talk and share out of where we are and what we're struggling with in our daily lives sometimes even moment by moment.
I grew up in the culture of the Southern Baptist Church and was in church every Sunday and most Wednesdays. I can recount tons of testimonies and sermons where speakers and pastors gave declaration of what they've been delivered from, somehow insinuating that the deliverance has perfected them or rendered their demons powerless over them anymore. All the while more and more preachers and speakers have been falling publicly to sexual and financial sins. Its heartbreaking to watch. For me I guess I fell victim to the trap that those testimonies create. If there is a moment when you've been delivered from something and speak of struggles in the past tense then what happens when you continue to fight the same fights and continue to battle the same demons? What does that say about you? I believe the enemy loves this. In fact, I think its one of his greatest weapons! I believe something to this effect has kept men living in fear and isolation for a long time. Hiding and cowering in the corners of our lives and communities, all the while missing out on the truth of the Gospel, that God is always and constantly redeeming us and delivering us from our flesh.
I don't want this to come as a surprise to anyone, but the media and culture want to deceive us to think that only the few that make the headlines are the ones who are addicted to alcohol, and sex, and pornography, and embezzlement. The reality my friends is that this could not be farther from the truth. There are far more of us that struggle with these demons than anyone realizes. In fact many of the teachers and preachers that shepherd us in the church today are forced to secretly struggle because they have no where else to go or no one else to turn to because of fear. I have posted in the past how I think if we were to all take down our masks and live in authentic community with one another, we would be surprised as to what we discover about those we see and shake hands with every day. The beauty of that though is it would free us to experience how in fact Christ sees us, and loves us. Then and only then would we be able to see others as He commands us to. Then and only then would we be able to love others as He commands us to. A good friend of mine recently told me that living this way is actually a much better definition of what it means to be brave and I tend to agree. I was challenged then by him and I pass that challenge on to anyone else out there struggling, feeling like they are alone, the only ones dealing with the disgusting consequences of sin. The Truth is out there and it cries FREEDOM! You are not alone, you are a restored son and daughter of the Sovereign Lord, and freedom is yours! Are you brave enough to embrace it? Are you brave?

Never Again!!!

Well I pray never again will I ever have to allow my family to suffer through the slavery of living in an apartment again. We finally were able to move out of the hellish apartment we were living in and despite not being able to buy right now we were blessed enough to be able to rent a beautiful home not too far away. What a burden to be lifted off our shoulders. If anyone by chance reads this, please stay away from The Landings of Brentwood in Nashville, Tn. I am not exaggerating when I say that we were experiencing a form of modern day slavery! I don't need to go into any more detail other that, but thank you Lord for our time there and thanks even more for moving us from that place! Here is a shot of our new house with a beautiful Pear tree blooming in front.

Easter

We had a great Easter this year and spent the afternoon at my mother-in-law's house. They have a annual Easter egg hunt and this year was great cause Molly and Riley really enjoyed it! It's so amazing to see them having fun and running and playing! I am so blessed!

New computer yeah!

Well I finally have recieved my new computer and have it up and running! This is a "great success," you see, because I have been waiting for this computer to come in the mail for over 3 months! So lets all join together in one joyous leap of celebration. I love the MAC!

Last night

The last few night since I have come back from Japan have been hard because I have been waking up at like 1:30 in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep for several hours. So last night I just sat there in bed thinking about all sorts of stuff. Those nights are the roughest for me, because I am a thinker and its very hard for me to turn my brain off. I lay there just rambling in my head for hours and struggling to figure out whats going on and why I can't sleep. I few weeks ago I had an amazing oppertunity to catch up with a friend that I love and care about deeply! He and I hung out on a Sunday evening and ended up at a local spot talking over a couple of pints. I love these types of experiences where there is no b.s. and substance of conversation just flows like a great waterfall. That probably doesn't make sense for most people but for me there is no greater joy than being able to exist in community and live out of honesty with brothers. I left that meeting with a lot on my heart and spirit and was greatly encouraged and after last night's sleepless night, I find myself asking my Father to give me a vision for what it would look like if I saw other people as He saw them. What would it look like for me love other people like He loves and for me to love my kids and wife the way He does. I thought about that a lot last night as I lay awake in my bed. Anyways, I am sorry for the lack of continuity this post provides because even now my thoughts are scrambled and it is difficult to really pin myself down.

Houston Rodeo

I still haven't been able to edit these very much because my labtop is too slow but here are some pics from the Houston Rodeo the other night.

Isaac Watts

The Wonderful Cross

When I survey the wondrous cross

On which the Prince of Glory died

My richest gain I count but loss

And pour contempt on all my pride

See from His head, His hands, His feet

Sorrow and love flow mingled down

Did e’er such love and sorrow meet

Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross

Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross

All who gather here by grace draw near and bless Your name

Were the whole realm of nature mine

That were an offering far too small

Love so amazing, so divine

Demands my soul, my life, my all

This is probably my favorite hymn of all time. There is something just so gripping and moving about it ,and when you learn the story of Isaac Watts it somehow validates all of our fears and draws us into reverence.

Beautiful.

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What would it be like?

I continue to be impacted by just how isolated of a world we live in and how much hurt there is around me! It seems like over the past several months I am awakening more and more to those around me that are in obvious pain but desperately hide it with the hopes that they won't be found out! I know this because the person that stares back at me in the mirror most days battles that same thing! Its disgusting! You know the most amazing thing is also happening in my life and that has been that over the past two years through some amazing men, I have realized that I am not alone! In fact we're all not alone! Do you really understand how much freedom there is in that? I mean I can now walk in the light knowing that I am loved and that the Cross covers me with enough grace to make it through the day and that goes for everyone one of my brothers and sisters as well! I no longer have to be afraid of my dark heart or afraid that I will be found out because I know the truth! So I am just wondering what it would be like if we really did live in a world where our dark hearts and the deep deep chasm of that heart were exposed for all to see. What pretenses would exist then? Would we really be able to live in the light then and love one another as we are called to do? I am just thinking how amazing and freeing it could be for men out there to relate to one another knowing that each other really is struggling with the same things and there is no condemnation for it anymore! Maybe this doesn't make sense to some people but it does to me. I hurt for those still in hiding, I hurt for those who are deceived and alone, I hurt for those who don't realize that I'm right there with them and no better or worse, but in fact freedom is there for both of us! Hallelujah! Praise God! Amen! Christ is risen and it is for no other reason than He shed his blood so we can live in the light an no longer in fear of condemnation. I am a restored son of the sovereign Lord, we are restored sons and daughters of the sovereign Lord, and we all can resist the dangers of isolation and live in community! What a picture that would be. I am just wondering what it would be like!

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Stuck!

What a great topic! Is there any better way to describe what I've felt inside for most of my life? I'm not sure. But I will speak honestly about this, right now I am most definitely stuck! I went to church for the first time in a long time this past Sunday and was really grateful for healthy kids because the service was amazing. The sermon was about surveying the Cross and understanding the need for the Cross. You know basically that thing called the Gospel! It was so refreshing to not hear 3 steps to a better marriage but in fact to hear what I need to hear daily, why I need Christ! One of the things that hit most closely to home for me was that I am here, on this planet, taking up the space I do, breathing the air I breathe, for no other reason than to worship and serve my Saviour! What a good reminder! And to be honest that has always come easy for me because I have always, going back to my earliest childhood memories, thought that I wanted to do nothing but be used by God. I never had any desire to be a doctor or lawyer or fireman like most children dream about. Instead I would dream about making a difference for Christ and changing and impacting my world in some great fashion! So there in part lies being stuck, cause how do I do that? What does that look like? What does it involve? I have never heard a sermon teach me that, or give me the keys to a business that would produce that! Nevertheless, I am trying to remain faithful. I am trying to remind myself that on this journey of mine, I am not making a path but simply following one that has already been carved out for me. I just wish I could see a little farther down the road! Thanks, I'm Josh.

Riley is getting big!

Look at Riley showing off his good looks! I wonder where he get its from? :)

Still on Vacation

Sorry for my absence from the most crucial blog on the net (only kidding of course) but I'm still on vacation. So many things are going on in my life and I just don't have the energy or desire right now. I will be returning shortly though!